


tongue-tied

by eunwol



Series: asw prompts [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, debatably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-30 23:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12663600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eunwol/pseuds/eunwol
Summary: smile: we are in love.





	tongue-tied

**Author's Note:**

> someone once said that sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.
> 
> i couldnt explain to you what that meant, but i did my best to put it in words.

_Recently, everything is made up of Hakyeon._

_The burnt black wicks of half-melted candles, the neatly tucked in sheets in the morning, the slight pressure on his shoulder in the mornings, when the sun is nearly risen and there’s a lax sense of urgency as the realization of upcoming schedules dawns on dazed and sleepy minds. Even his phone background is a blurry selca between them, traces of their smiles known and present in his pocket._

_No matter where he goes, Hakyeon is there. In a way this is not so bad. The closeness feels familiar, reminds Hongbin of a time where they felt more free, back when they were trainees. Dinners together, sleeping side by side on a futon on the floor, secrets whispered between snores in the dead of night._

_Hongbin, shivering under the streetlights, his breath coming out in frost. Hakyeon, the boy, the friend, his gentle reassurance warm like a home._

_“Don’t go,” he’d said, sniffling in the winter air like an idiot. “Don’t go, Hongbinnie. You’ll come back, won’t you? I know you will.”_

_Back then, that was enough. That was everything he'd needed to hear: the soothing sound of his voice, his watery eyes and red cheeks, both of them standing there in the middle of the street like fools._

_The feeling in his chest like a vice. It should matter._

_But this is not the same._

* * *

 

It’s not nearly as great as it originally seemed, the idea of being an idol. While it's good to be living their dreams, it's also terribly burdensome as well. Back then when they had first debuted they were with each other all the time, to the point where arguments echoed throughout the corridors in the early morning. Nowadays it's different. Someone is always missing. More often than not it's Hyuk and Hongbin sitting in the dorms playing video games so late into the night that the sun starts to rise. More often than not it’s filming for a collaboration or modeling some clothing and coming back exhausted. More often than not it's Wonshik asleep in the couch catching up on hours spent producing music and Jaehwan replying to texts four hours late because of another practice run-through.

Taekwoon, too, finds his own way to disappear occasionally, whether it be from acting in plays or just to visit family. Hakyeon’s always gone on some solo trip or another— and he’s _not_ bitter, really, or jealous or lonely or whatever else the other members say about him. He's _happy_ they're all branching out and enjoying themselves. It’s just, there’s been so many dramas and musicals and the like that every morning feels too boring, too muted, like a half-awake hallucination where all his movements and words blend into one.

The empty dorm isn’t the same. The stillness feels like an oppression. Even without the need to go to schedules or practices there’s a buzz of anxiety, slowly settling in with his bones. On the days they can meet it’s better, fades into the back of his mind as the exhaustion from the choreography replaces any other thought he has.

With their promotions ending there’s just nothing to do but live in the reality.

* * *

 

Here is the monster made from it:

_Recently, Hongbin lives in fever dreams, with heavy hazed vision around the blurry edges of his consciousness. The room feels too dark but the light comes in too brightly still. The dorm which is normally loud with the sounds of other members is nearly dead silent, only wisps of a sweet breeze peeking in from a window cracked open. It’s terrifyingly quiet and there’s a gut fear that sits low and warm in his stomach._

_The heavy camera that Hongbin owns sits nicely in its case, tempting him to go out and do something. Part of him really wants to go, but part of him wants to stay, too. A movement to his left startles him, but when he looks up all he sees is Hakyeon— beautiful, dangerous, free._

_Hongbin could love him with all his life, could imagine the flustered look on his face, could remember the way he smiles as he rambles, his gaze like a spell that holds him still. Hongbin fidgets around for a bit, and all of a sudden his heart does that squeeze and he needs to get out of here_ . _That sharp tongue and quick wit is only there to protect the most visceral emotions. Yet, still, his traitorous body of his refuses to move._

_In the silence of the dorms on paused performances, Hongbin sits with Hakyeon._

_When the curtains shift along with the cool air settling in, the light bends over him. His skin changes in the sun, glowing, ethereal. He looks like a mirage, a hallucination, as if the view of him with his little packed up suitcase searching through the drawers is just an illusion. He looks kind of cute, with his lips just barely jutting out in a pout as he struggles to find one of his shirts._

_There’s a kind of naturalness in this sort of scene that feel irreplaceable. Hongbin wants to make use of the camera sitting in his lap and take a photo._

_I’ve always loved you. Pose for me, hyung, right now in this very moment. Look into the camera. Smile. Hongbin tries to form the words but he feels like he's choking with every breath he takes. His arms feel like lead and his fingers don't listen when he tries to ease off the lens cap. He says nothing. The rustling goes on for a few more minutes. Hakyeon finally unearths a shirt in the midst of crumpled up laundry still waiting to be folded. He holds up the wrinkled piece of clothing like he’s cheering himself on, and grins as if it means the world._

* * *

 

The same dream, every night. This useless body of his, incapable of hugging back, of thanking him, of taking the goddamned photo before he leaves.

It shouldn’t matter; these things shouldn’t mean a thing. Hakyeon should know what he really means by now. The words _i love you_ come out instead as _gross, hyung, let go of me_ yet on the days when Hakyeon rushes into his room, with his hands curled into fists and frustration tangible in the air, Hongbin still can't find it in himself to go in after him. He thinks he’d want to run his hands all over him, smoot out and pet down all the tension, but his feet still stay planted.

On days like those, Hongbin wonders what's wrong with him, what could possibly have made him so messed up that he can’t love the most beautiful person on earth. When Hakyeon compliments him for a job well done his face flushes, just a little, and the tips of his ears feel like they’re burning. His stomach does this weird swooping motion, and a feeling almost like nausea arises, foreboding, warning.

He sees Hakyeon later that day, sitting on the sofa and staring at fine-printed words on a script as he practices and reads over his lines. He’ll be leaving tomorrow to fly out to the set. Another day alone at the dorms, it seems. Everyone has somewhere to go to.

Truthfully, they all miss it, the feeling of closeness between them. It’s not as if they aren’t close to each other now but back then, lying on the blankets spread across the floor, playing games and roughhousing and admitting their worries with bleary, blinking eyes, they had all felt like the king of the world, felt like they had finally finished their long journey. Even now, though, their path seems to stretch out past the horizon. They still call each other and meet each other and find it in themselves to make it feel like old times despite all of their conflicting schedules.

But Hakyeon’s the worst offender, even though he tries his hardest to make sure he can still visit and check up on them. In a way, they all depended on him in some sense, crushing him with the pressure of the _leader_ title as he sorted through the company and the group’s needs, and he was so easy to love, almost like an ever present sense of comfort. And it’s not awful having him gone; they still text each other regularly, and all six of them always find a way to get together for birthdays and holidays as best as they can.

It’s enough. They’ve all got places to be. Maybe Hongbin does, too, but he’s tired and lonely and just wants a place to call home.

They all do. It just shouldn’t have to be someone else.

* * *

 

Hongbin wakes up.

It's three in the morning and Hakyeon is there, sitting on the edge of his bed, because of course he is. He's nudging Hongbin’s shoulder lightly, just enough to rouse him from the murky depths of his sleep. His hands feel firm, grounded against the earth like a pillar. Immovable object; unstoppable force.

“See you, Hongbinnie,” he says, voice sounding unused and unsure for the first time in a long time, as he cards his fingers through the other's hair. “I'm off.”

Somehow it doesn't feel real. The soft tone, the gentle caress. Hongbin leans into Hakyeon’s stable touch but still says nothing. They stay that way for another few moments and then Hakyeon turns to go.

Maybe he should have said something.

Pathetic Hongbin, whose mouth feels glued shut. Pathetic Hongbin, who doesn't deserve this.

Stupid Hongbin.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

* * *

 

_This Hongbin, the dream Hongbin, the brave Hongbin reaches out to Hakyeon's wrist before he drags his suitcase out the dorm again. For a moment, he looks surprised in a way, and in the split second before he can rearrange the facade he looks confused, like he wasn't expecting anyone to say anything before he slunk out of the dorm again. Hongbin’s fingers are nearly touching around Hakyeon’s thin wrist, and it makes him feel smaller than he already is, more fragile._

_Brave Hongbin says, “Hyung, let me go with you to the airport.”_

_Brave Hongbin says, “Hyung, I'll miss you.”_

_Brave Hongbin takes his camera and sits with Hakyeon in the van and both lie against each other in silence, shoulders touching shoulders and their heartbeats loud enough to hear._

_They stay quiet at the airport, too. But it isn't awkward, rather, poetic in some sense. A feeling of love so strong that transcends words. There's people bustling about them but it feels like they're the only two in the world. No one pays them any mind and anyways, it feels better like this._

_“Hakyeon-hyung, let me take a picture before you go.”_

* * *

 

Hongbin wakes up.

The dorm is still empty.

The week without Hakyeon doesn't hurt as much as it once did. At some point some part of his body just gets used to it. No longer is he the child that once needed the guiding reassurance; who cried in the middle of the night; who had to be woken up before he overslept. He functions just fine without Hakyeon.

Although, his heart still needs to catch up.

* * *

 

_A confession, heavy on his tongue. A voice, lost by the sounds of the engines starting._

_An empty terminal. A four AM sunrise._

_A moment so beautiful, frozen in time._

Click.

_A camera shutter._

* * *

 

Contrary to popular belief, the worst call isn't the first one.

The first call involves the manager coming out to the dorms where everyone except for their leader is gathered, tapping Taekwoon on the shoulder and mouthing something that seemed nonchalant, and they both headed to a different room. At the time, everyone had thought it was just about his own stuff. When he came out his skin looked paler but he still stood tall and murmured _there’s been an incident_ under his breath to the rest of the group. The first call wasn't the worst.

The second call is the worst.

In absence of their oldest, their world comes crashing down on them. There’s a small, tinny voice coming from the phone that’s been set on speaker, saying something about _There was an issue with the engine mid flight_ and _I’m sorry for your loss_ and _Could you come down here and collect the paperwork_ and other sympathies that don’t sound real. Everything feels frozen, like their hearts had fallen from their chests downwards until all that was left weighed down their legs like bricks.

* * *

 

There are few things that bring up the dark feeling of regret, the kind that makes him feel the need to shut up and makes his tongue feel loose, like he'll never be able to form the right words ever again.

Running away that night; the cold feeling bitter against his skin; almost having to go to the hospital when he got food poisoning from his own cooking; standing there frozen as he collapses on the stage; staying up late to play video games; waking up after having slept two hours.

An early morning plane ticket. A missed photo.

That smile.

* * *

 

His phone dies and he doesn't bother charging it again. None of them leave their dorms now anyways, and even if they did no one would have anything to say. What do you say when all you do is sit around and wait for something to happen? They sent out a search team weeks ago but all they ever found were the bits and pieces of metal and plastic floating above the endless expanse of blue, the black box miles below the surface. They couldn’t even find a body.

The company makes the announcement. Hongbin doesn't go online but Wonshik says that there's been a lot of people wishing for them to feel better soon. Wonshik has to say a lot of things now, because Sanghyuk seems so shy again and Jaehwan just always seems so irritated.

And Taekwoon? Hongbin’s not so sure. He doesn't speak, doesn't eat. He just sits in his studio all day but no sound ever escapes him. It almost feels like they're trainees again, lost and misguided and strangers to themselves.

(and he knows that really, they're not, that they can handle everything just fine, but everything's already falling apart anyways and it just doesn't matter anymore.)

Hongbin realizes with a jolt after the days blur into each other that it helps tide over the feelings, in a sense: not having to see his wallpaper or the gallery full of dumb pictures, or those texts, or the silly videos.

Sort of. Kind of.

(Not really. Not enough, at least.)

* * *

 

_One more time:_

_Hongbin wakes from a dream within a dream. For the first time he feels fear. Endless, stretching across the atmosphere of the room, sitting and pooling in his gut. The clock reads two forty-seven in the morning._

_Hakyeon, sitting on the edge of his bed. Hongbin, staring at the ceiling._

_“Hyung, let me go with you to the airport.”_

* * *

 

They get another call from his family. There’s no update from the rescuers who scoured the entire ocean radius, so his mom says through wet words that the plane has probably sunk to the bottom of the sea.

They get invited to the funeral, because his family knows how much he loved the group, and it’s closed casket because of course it fucking is, a thousand people looked through rough and churning waves and they couldn't find a trace of the man that everyone loved despite being too afraid to say it.

Hongbin thinks that it must be lonely down there, in that water so dark and deep and cold. Hakyeon, who lived for love and loved to touch, to speak, to smile, and to laugh, underneath the great vast pressures of the ocean.

It doesn't feel right. The world is unfair like that sometimes.

* * *

 

_One ~~more~~ last time: _

_Hongbin holds Hakyeon’s hand in the van despite how afraid he is. Hongbin wears his camera around his neck and Hakyeon looks at him kind of funny. If he were braver he would have laughed but now he doesn’t know what to do at all. Everything feels different right now; fragile, in a sense, like any wrong move would shatter it. Brave Hongbin would know what to do but this is stupid Hongbin._

_In the end it has always been stupid, Hongbin._

_When they get to the airport it feels desolate. There's a few people standing but the terminal has an eerie feeling to it. Consider this a gift. The gate is empty and they have it all to themselves. Somehow the sun peeks through the clouds in a show of rare early sunrise. This moment feels so beautiful. Brand it into his memory. Make sure he'll never forget, now._

_No amount of beauty could be worth his life._

“ _Hyung, hyung, please, don't go. Don't get on that plane. Don't,” he begs. His tears taste like forgiveness, somehow._  

_“Hakyeon, hyung, fuck, please, I'm sorry, don't go on that plane. Please, please, please don't.“_

_Through all the sobbing Hongbin thinks that Hakyeon looks sad; resigned, almost. There's that unsure look again on his face, curving in the tiniest way as he pets Hongbin with the gentlest of touches._

_“Hey,” he says, soft, tiny, almost so quiet it's a whisper, “Hongbinnie, Kong— stop crying. You're supposed to be the happy one.”_

_He sniffles._

_“See? There's no need to cry. You're so cute when you smile, what will we do if you're sad, hm?” A teasing voice. “Ah, if only everyone else could be here right now. They wouldn't believe me if I told them our Hongbin clung to me like this.”_

_Somehow the lightness in his voice makes everything be okay. But it doesn't matter, nothing matters if Hakyeon never returns home._

_“Please,” Hongbin tries, one more time, one_ last _time. “Please don't go on that plane.”_

_“I'll come back, Hongbin. You know I’ll come back. Don't worry about those kinds of things: they can't be helped. Ahh, but I'll miss you— let me at least take a picture before I go. Then I can always see your happy face.”_

_For today, for this last hour, he'll live in someone else's future. He'll stay for as long as he can. At some point he had realized that this would be the only closure he'd ever get. The meaning is not lost to him. The weight of the truth in that sentence should be scary but it's not._

_It's time to be brave._

_There's a rustling sound as Hakyeon digs out his phone from his pocket. He lines the lens, points to Hongbin, focuses the picture—_

_“Say cheese.”_

  


**Author's Note:**

> they say taking a picture of someone captures their soul. likewise, falling in love captures your soul too. in this case, it's reversed: take a photo and you take someone's soul; fall in love and someone takes your soul.
> 
> hongbin's enamored by hakyeon and everything he does and stands for (and who wouldn't be, tbh). but i think that sometimes it's hard to tell someone how much you appreciate them. you have to be really brave to completely open yourself up to someone like that. if hongbin ever wanted hakyeon to know his full feelings, to capture hakyeon's soul, he would have confessed right then and there in that perfect moment at 4 in the morning. he would have taken that picture before he left.
> 
> but he didn't. even though it seems like a stupid choice i don't blame him. i doubt i could do the same in a situation like his. a moment like that is just so fragile, and the uncertainty of feelings is a large enough fear of it's own. in actuality, it's hakyeon that took the photo, in the end. and just that tiny action, even in a dream within a dream, means a lot, because in the end its hongbin who lives with these feelings inside him and its hongbin who thinks of how to say the things that he'd never be able say to hakyeon anymore.
> 
> and thus, its hakyeon who's captured hongbin's soul. in a way, hakyeon has taken at least some part of hongbin with him to that lonely seafloor.
> 
> i hope having it might make the bottom of the ocean feel less lonely. im sure he's good company. and i also dont know if hongbin would ever be able forget him, then.
> 
> they're so close yet so far apart. they are together yet they are not together. even if it doesn't make any sense, it all adds up in a way. 
> 
> it's a very poetic irony, i think.
> 
> if you've read this far id like to thank you because truthfully i'm rambling a bit, but i'm happy that you've stuck around to listen. its my first time writing vixx and any fic this long, so leave a comment if you hated it or if you liked it. i'll do my best to respond. 
> 
> idk if you guys noticed or not, but i was listening to grouplove's song tongue-tied on repeat (hence the title) while writing this. the lyrics "don't leave me tongue-tied, don't wave no goodbyes" really set the mood for the ending with hongbin's hesitancy in his confession and dreaming about stopping hakyeon before he gets on that plane.  
> and if you wanna talk to me about vixx or just kpop in general feel free to hmu on twitter @howlcore


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